You never know what you need, until you need it
When you have reached the end of your rope, and everything is falling apart around you, it may be that you need to stop and think about what you really need. And in my case, I keep coming back to thinking that what I need, is someone else to do the things that I can’t. And it may seem ridiculous that the word I use being “can’t” and not “won’t”. My older two children have an aversion to the phone that they seem to think is only their generation. And it isn’t. It’s Gen X as well. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I have such issues. I need to make 7 phone calls. That’s all. That doesn’t include the lawyer and the accountant that I refuse to make the call for. That’s on someone else because it isn’t my legal issue and my money. But those 7 calls confound me. I know I need to make them and in the case of two of them, they are super important. Insurance for my eldest as well as his meds from his doctor. But the very thought of making these calls, right now, at 10:45 at night, on a Saturday, makes me feel flat out ill. And this is from the woman who used to have to go sit in the welfare office for hours on end with two very small children and used to do it on the regular. Now I just need to call some people. And. I. Can. Not. And I am baffled as to why.
Old Fashioned Phone - stock image
I know I am not the only one who suffers from this in my generation. The phones in our homes used to be the most amazing things. They would ring and you didn't know who was on the other end. Who was it for? Was it family? A friend? A telemarketer? It was a mystery . And we were always happy to answer it. As I got older and the caller ID came around, I signed up for that shit so fast… Also, my young days had my phone being shut off on a regular basis so it meant nothing to me with the numbers. I also lost a couple arguments with Charter back in the day and had to change my numbers for my “house phone”. The only phone we use now are all of our cell phones. We kept the house phone plugged in and paid while there was still one minor child at home. And when he got his phone, we just unplugged it and forgot it existed. And that’s fine with me. One less thing to ring and make me feel awful. Because the anxiety I feel when I hear a phone ring, including mine, is horrible. It is just such an awful feeling.
And it occurs to me, as I sit here and type, I hate the phone for the same reason I hate leaving the house. Because something will happen. I don’t know what it is, or what it will effect, but something will happen and it will be devastating. Between depression and borderline agoraphobia, my brain has convinced me that leaving the house and answering the phone will start a series of event that will end in something awful. And at some point I will list all the things that have happened that have gone wrong when I have left the house. Not right now, I don’t need that anxiety. It’s already past my bedtime and this whole thing is to just get the shit out of my head. Because hearing again about not getting the medication for my youngest or calling about his insurance made my brain ramp up to the point where I could not even sleep if I wanted to. And all I want to do at this point is to start being able to sleep by 11 and get up at 8 and be able to put in a full day of ANYTHING, let alone working on writing and organizing the house and cleaning the shit that needs cleaning.
So. Phones suck. So do partners who don’t act like a partner but like another of my children. I worked full time and still did all these things. Why can’t you work full time and make some phone calls? I know what the answers have been before. And I still think they are bullshit. Part of me wants to disappear with my Hammie for a month. Let them all fight it out; nature, red in tooth and claw. Live in a place with my own mess, my own little dog, my own little needs. And who knows. Depending on how things fall, this may be what happens in the end, anyway.
- February 17, 2024
dial phone photo used on thumbnail - Photo by Alexas_Fotos on Unsplash
